31.5.24

This should have been written in a diary. I miss my husband. So much right now that it hurts. It has always been like this. Since the moment I fell for him, not a single day my heart has got any rest. But I like this chaos inside me. It keeps me alive. He ignites various emotions in me. I can't shun it nor do I want to. Being in love with the person who always occupied my subconscious mind, even though when I was not aware about his existence, has finally come true. Even if my heart is in this constant turmoil, I refuse to let go of these feelings. They make me humane and for that I feel grateful to the universe, who answered to my manifestations. 

      Thank you Universe. Amen. 

Nostalgia

This chapter, as I write, takes me on those days when lives were easier. There were loadshedding, less crowded roads, more children engaging themselves in playing together rather than dumping their faces into smartphones. I was one of them. A happy child who would run around here and there half naked, always laughing and causing mischieves with the neighbourhood kids. On somedays I would be covered in dirt while being inside a bush, or a puddle; on some, I would land myself into trouble for getting into fight with another kid. Often their parents would come to our home to complain and I would be hiding in a corner until my father would catch me and give me a good spank to get the hell outta me. But he loved me. Atleast that's what I knew. I also would see him hugging my mom, so I thought he loved her as well. As a result their terrible fights would land me into confusion that if they loved eachother that much, then why couldn't they just sort out their differences when they have been given the opportunity multiple times? As I grew older, the answer came to me eventually. That was, "They didn't want to anymore." 

A Cursed Child

Yes, you read that right. I was a cursed child in my parents life. At least, that's what I thought till now. My miseries led me into believing that. Since the time I was born I would confuse myself evaluating the relation between my parents. Most of the time they were fighting and hurling abuses at eachother. My sister and I grew up like that under such dysfunctionality. Luckily, we had eachother's back so somehow life seemed easy. Until one day we got involved in that ugliness with the revealation of my father's alleged affair. 

              In 2008,he left us owing to a confrontation between my sister and him. I was only a12year old kid and that's when I started to see myself as a cursed child because more things started to unwrap itself from the darkness. 

INTRODUCTION

 Never thought that I would start writing again. When I had almost left the idea of being creative, struggling after government jobs, someone, like a storm appeared in my life and made me believe in myself again. So, here I am, hardly having any idea about what's gonna be put in this blog still I guess I am gonna keep continuing it until I can.